At seventeen, it seemed that loneliness was cold. It was chilly to sit on the floor with your back against the wall because that way you had a support. You knew for sure that the wall will not go anywhere. The wall won’t leave.

At seventeen, it seemed that loneliness was dark. I thought it mostly came in the evening, growing, feeding on the shadows and the dusk, and you try to fall asleep under the flickering of the TV screen because then it turns a little lighter. You lie imagining that someone is nearby, an unknown lady in a beautiful dress, talking about the weather.

And when all of a sudden the TV turned off, it seemed that was heavy. Now it crushed the intolerable silence with the ticking of the clock hands that make you beg for time to just stop forever, and those damn hands pierce you right in the heart. It seemed to be bitter, nauseous, and sick with hunger because there was no one to share the dinner with except the emptiness. It seemed that loneliness is emptiness; the empty house, the empty kitchen, the empty plates, the empty cups, and the empty palms.

At seventeen, I didn’t want to be alone at all. All the time trying to stick with someone, although these were not the people who were supposed to be around. You run into the crowd, into a noisy street, or to a busy market, to get away from yourself, and even amongst hundreds of people, you find yourself alone. And later you realise that you need only one, at least one person who will grab your hand and say: don’t be afraid, I am with you, you’ve got me.

At seventeen you don’t know that this person that you craved for is ‘you’. You don’t even realize it, at seventeen. They don’t talk about it at school, in the classrooms, they don’t write about it in the encyclopedias, they don’t read about it in the boring lectures, although it was a necessity.

At seventeen, it seemed that you tend to know everything about this loneliness. But you were wrong. Didn’t know anything, but now you do.
Loneliness is a chance, an opportunity that allows you to search for your soul, and if you succeed, you will end up loving your lonesome orphanhood.