We met when he stabbed me with a pencil in third grade math class / Everyone in his family drives a red car; his is a Jeep but I’m sure it doesn’t mean a thing / Mr. Dates His Best Friend’s Ex Without Even Asking / “I’ll get you a hot cocoa in exchange for 10 blow jobs with unreasonable interest rates,” slipped out of his mouth long before our first date / The first time he took me out, the waitress nudged him to let him know a condom fell out of his wallet / It was his idea to lose his virginity in my backseat in a Ham’s parking lot / Really leans into the Southern drawl when he lies to everyone, telling them we had a threesome with my closest girlfriend / Now that I’m listing it all out, it seems my best friend of a decade only wanted me around for my ass / He never liked it when I wore hip hugging mini-dresses around his acquaintances but his distain was stronger for reading my poetry / He voted third party in 2016 / He would have married me but couldn’t sit through a depressive episode / Now he’s marrying a girl who looks just like me with a brain much more tidy