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Art supplies scattered
All over the floor
Glitter glue and markers
My dad dying next door
I sat alone
Twelve years old
Working on my space project
Lost in another world
I hated the word hospice
It sounded so lame
Like an off brand word for hospital
But not creative enough to have its own name
My mom talked about hospice
With so much kindness and gratitude
I never wanted to spend time there
But they did have free food
The lobby smelt like a candle
Death
With hints of vanilla and bleach
I haven’t smelt it since
But if I did I would know the reek
My family flew in
To say their goodbyes
I worked on my space project next door
And told myself lies
I imagined the most beautiful poster board
They would think it’s unreal
I imagined the praise I would get at school
And how good it would feel
I poured myself into it
Covered the foam with glitter
I pretended that I had the power
To make darkness shimmer
I spent the whole weekend
In this room full of light
family would check in on me
To make sure I was alright
They asked me to join
the other room with my father
But this space project won’t build itself
I really can’t be bothered
Every time I looked at it
I felt so much pride
A few days after I turned it in
My dad died
I returned to school
Sat down in my seat
I got a 94 on my space project
I felt let down for the first time all week
I worked so hard
It should have been a one hundred
I wasted time
And now my dad is dead
I looked down
And tried not to cry
I told myself to grow up
And not think too much about why
I was more disappointed
About my imperfect grade
Then my dad dying
Just the other day
What is wrong with me
I felt so ashamed
I experienced life’s biggest shift in perspective
Yet I still care about the mundane
What a disorienting feeling
To one day lose a parent
And the next day go about life
Like nothing is even different
On Saturday we had his funeral
And the entire church was filled
I cried the whole service
Deep emotion for the first time spilled
Everyone told me
That my dad is in a better place
But all I could think about
Is that I never actually wanted
Space.

About Author :

Caroline is a software engineer from Charlotte, NC. She enjoys writing poetry as an outlet to better understand herself and her life experiences. She studied International Affairs at Georgetown University and is temporarily living in Phnom Penh, Cambodia. Caroline has previously been published in Denver’s Westword publication.